Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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