were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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