i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
