If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
