That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
