i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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