I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
