I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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