boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
