There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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