I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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