I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
