I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
