my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
