Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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