The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
