Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
