he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
