I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
