Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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