I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Randomize
