So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
