fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
