just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
