I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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