He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
