Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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