My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
