I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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