By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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