Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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