Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
