i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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