I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
