The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Randomize
