i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
