he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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