In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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