Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
