If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
