turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
