Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
