I'm lost and stupid without you.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
