Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Too much gin, very little bucket
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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