Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
