i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
last night I used snow as a chaser
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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