she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
is wine microwaveable?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
