i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My penis needs a shock collar
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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