When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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