life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
